The Biggest Loser

As I assume is customary in every workplace in America, my work is holding a "The Biggest Loser" competition over the summer. It's perfect, because the summer months are the worst for self-esteem anyway: there are endless parties and barbecues, and the swimming suits keep getting smaller and smaller. This year I pulled my suit out of the trashbag I keep full of summer clothes that I've threatened to give away to the thrift store every autumn since 2005, and I said WAIT, THESE TWO THINGS CANNOT POSSIBLY BE MINE. The little shorts were so, so little. And the top of my tankini was very attractive, but I'm pretty sure that last year it belonged to a much more voluptuous version of me. How in the world did I fill up all of that space last year?

I joined the competition because I love having excuses to go to parties where there are weird, unidentifiable appetizers and say, "Oh, I'd love to sample all of these but... I'M IN A WEIGHT LOSS COMPETITION AT WORK, so I cannot possibly eat your...." And I let my voice drift off and finish the rest of the sentence silently in my head with, "WHAT ARE THOSE?!"

Also, because the prize is a lot of $$$, and because winning a weight loss competition is a great way to supplement the iPad 3 fund.

The people at my work have no willpower, so to win these contests I sabotage everyone by bringing in healthy snacks at the beginning when everyone is motivated and is deciding whether or not to pay to participate, and then slowly transitioning to snacks all comprised mainly of trans-fats. I bake cakes that they'll love, I experiment with lasagnas in mini! individual! servings!, I whip up chocolate mousse and zucchini bread and eventually they can't stay on the wagon.

Now, don't accuse me of being selfish. See, all of the people at my work aren't fat. They're skinny. They're all participating in this contest because THAT'S WHAT AMERICA DOES DURING THE SUMMER AND FOR 4-5 DAYS AFTER NEW YEARS. They all look great. When there is someone in my office who is participating and could stand to lose a few pounds, I always make sure that the treats I bring appeal to everyone EXCEPT that person. I find his or her one hated food, and compose most of my snack menus around that item. NOT SELFISH. The rest of the people are healthy, hardworking adults who move around during the day, get sunshine, take a multivitamin, go to the gym, and WOULD BE EMACIATED IF THEY LOST TEN POUNDS.

Me, I'm 5'8" tall, so losing a few pounds never much hurts, and I proudly weigh in during the summers and collect my winnings and whatnot.

THIS YEAR THERE IS A COMPLICATION TO MY PLAN. A lady at my work recently had a baby and determined that she WAS going to win the competition by eliminating all of her baby fat.

BABY FAT.

Who can compete with a woman who is only coming in half-days (THANKS, FAMILY MEDICAL LEAVE ACT) and who has the rest of her time available to work out, carry a baby up and down flights of stairs, and cook herself good meals that leave her so stuffed that she is completely uninterested in any new and tempting treats I bring to work?

The worst part of all is that she is losing FIVE HUNDRED CALORIES PER DAY by breast-feeding. Um, hello? Major cheating, right?

My iPad fund is in jeopardy. It's a serious deal, and since there is only a week left in the competition, I'm starting to really worry. I think most of my meals for the next two weeks are going to be primarily comprised of grapes and flavored herbal teas.

THIS IS WAR.